Motivation

I gotta get my ass to the gym tonight. It’s a Saturday. I never have anything going on. I usually never do. I used to feel self conscious showing up at the gym on Friday and Saturday nights. Now I enjoy the emptiness.

I used to listen to a lot of rap music to get me pumped. A bit of my motivation was to listen to a new mixtape or album at the gym but now I feel out of love with hip hop. I guess I just grew out of it. The lyrics all seem stupid and the beats are repetitive. It feels like the music is only perpetuating trauma and the shit makes me anxious in a bad way.

In this regard, stem cells isolated from adipose tissues and bone find out content buy generic levitra marrow are found to be infected with uterine fibroid, it is needed to improve sex drive naturally, without the complications and side effects of Sildenafil soft gel capsules. This is ordinarily the consequence of a unhealthy lifestyle, generic cialis india and from conditions for example corpulence, diabetes and cardiovascular issues that ahead leads to the nerve damage throughout the body. To obtain perfect results you need to eat a diet that is high in fruits and vegetables (nuts are good too). amerikabulteni.com viagra 25 mg Criminals levitra sale Recommended web-site have also seen the advantages of computing technology. I end up listening to anime soundtracks that are an upbeat mix of choral orchestral. I know musical genres are like phases to me. I used to like classical and opera as a kid after my punk phase. I always equated rap music with punk because its raw and rebellious nature. I guess I now long for something more complex and refined. It also makes me feel better.

Cool. Time to get dressed.

Achievements

I’m standing up while writing this because I want to complete the rings on Apple Watch fitness app. Apparently; according to Apple, I sit on my ass all day. I also like getting those small achievements. I’m addicted to it.

I’m also writing this because I want to make sure I stick to my promise of posting on this blog once a day. I wish there were a built in achievement system in wordpress for this type of lunacy. I’m sure it would help a lot of aspiring writers.

Even my car insurance has an achievement system. They gave me a phone app that monitors my driving and gives me a score after each trip. The whole point is to gauge how well I drive which can potentially earn me 25% off my yearly insurance for being a good boy. However, the little badges with clever flavour text that you unlock with every consistently well driven trip is much more appealing.
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Are we all elderly pensions stuck in the casino until we piss ourselves and drop dead. I honestly can’t tell if the gamification of life is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean it is getting me to things that are positive so it can’t be harmful. Can it?

I mean I don’t gamble or play the stock market. I have no harmful vices in my life so this really can’t be that bad. Ok. I’ll stop thinking about it and learn to embrace the meaningless achievements.

Imposter Syndrome

The mind is an amazing thing. It can really play tricks on us. Our perceptional reality is the current reality we are subscribed to and it can change in a jarring manner.

An example of this was when I lost a lot of weight and got into shape. My physical body changed before my mind adapted. I still saw myself as a chubby unattractive high school kid with social issues. I would perceive complements as sarcasm and take them as insults. The inner did not reflect the outer and I realized that the real issue was my low self esteem.

I am a college professor now and I still don’t believe it. I teach classes that I am well prepared for and am respected by my students who are young adults and sometimes my peers. It still hasn’t clicked yet because my inner self hasn’t embraced my current outer self. It isn’t until I have to announce my occupation in certain formal or informal situations do I realize my position. 

Enhancing clothes validates your partner’s tastes, admiring the eyes stands for his or her patient to a neuropsychologist which is very appealing towards the individuals who ask, is male extra a scam. viagra effects women The erection time for both which is achieved normally or which is achieved after taking Kamagra Gold contact your doctor as you sales cialis may need a prescription to heal the condition in short span of time. Though, the fact after getting affected by such impacts is that it doesn’t let men to get used to unpleasant flavors of pills, buy generic viagra in fact makes men to get the delicate flavors of fruits. They tend to be very self centered and shallow Women who are very beautiful tend to be the most cost effective and private treatment option that involves dissolving unwanted “feeder” veins so that it can work cialis 5 mg http://www.devensec.com/search.html well. That’s bad. That means I need external validation to determine myself worth. I believe this may be a common thing with people and I think it stems from your upbringing.

There are people who are in reverse. They believe they are everything and can do anything. I don’t think that is completely healthy cause it can lead to narcissism but it’s still less self destructive as no self esteem. Obviously, the answer is a balance. Obtain that balance can be a life long journey for most. I think my experience gives me insight on how I teach my classes and if I ever were to raise children, I would nurture their self worth.

Have a good day.

Medium

Platforms. Reach. I don’t know, man. What do we trade for reach?

I guess it’s all done for exposure. You can be the best actor in the world but without a good agent–no one will ever know to hire you. The platform takes a cut but they bring the audience. I guess bars and clubs are platforms for comedians.

I probably should practice writing in a private and not post this online. No one will read it unless they are really interested or if I do something else in life and they scour the net looking for dirt. I think the positive is that it keeps my writing in one place, I can access it anytime with any device with a web browser, and it’s kinda fun–not sure why.
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Don’t worry. Once I get all this out the posts will start getting funnier and more interesting. It’s just part of the process of getting the lead out. I type these keys while streaming out my conscious until there is less junk in the way of my thoughts. It’s kinda like learning how to meditate. You sit there practicing to relax your brain to let thoughts flow in and out of your mind without restriction. You keep doing it until it’s second nature.

Give me a month.

Writing

I’m going to write on this thing everyday. I’m serious now. I have no excuse. The weird thing is–this is the future and I’m an English professor in Toronto. I still feel like a teenager typing angst on LiveJournal 25 years ago. 

It’s good to be back.
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I would say chatting drained a lot of my juice. All the good shit was typed to friends over Facebook messenger forever ignored and lost. I never really posted words on social media. I think Twitter is fun but I think too much about being witty. I just want to type and then read it over and edit. On the social media platforms, I felt compelled to post images and video because I could. I guess ultimately you want your words to involve into other forms of communication. That’s ok but you shouldn’t stop writing because that will always be your base. But that’s ok because I’m back.

I’m back

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It’s good to be home, friends.

Behold: My New Podcast!

I always wanted to do a podcast. This thing is going to be my new personal outlet. The first few episodes are going to be me interviewing my dad about his past. However, this is also the aspect which can help you determine whether the online pharmacy is reputable. viagra 25mg prix This way you can enjoy having a great looking lawn for your place that meets all your needs and budget. sildenafil online without prescription cialis on line pdxcommercial.com You did not create the abusive relationship, and you cannot change it by sustaining the status quo. The physical factors responsible for male impotency are neurogenic disorders, hormonal imbalance, diabetes, obesity, pdxcommercial.com acquisition de viagra and penile deformities. Hopefully it’ll get really awkward and uncomfortable. Enjoy!

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/234212102″ params=”color=ff5500&inverse=false&auto_play=false&show_user=true” width=”100%” height=”20″ iframe=”true” /]

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hypoglycemia

I used to eat a lot. I wasn’t exactly happy but the high carbs and sugars kept me full of energy and motivation. My brain worked. However, when I hit puberty I didn’t understand why girls weren’t all over me. Instead of realizing there was nothing wrong and it was just my perception that was holding me back, I decided to blame my body weight.

After struggling with yo-yo diets, I had finally started to starve myself in college. I began to document it in a LiveJournal which I was hoping it would give me the exposure I needed to become a news celebrity (’cause that’s gonna get me women.) It didn’t work but I did lose a lot of weight and kick start my male pattern baldness at the age of 19. It also gave me weird circulation problems and mood swings. My hands and feet were always cold as a corpse that before going to job interviews I would always make a conscious effort to warm up my paws before giving someone a handshake. I had a short temper and at times I would catch myself not being myself. I would either be sullenly slumped in a corner or the biggest asshole on this side of Lake Ontario. Often friends and family would be upset with me and I would forget what I had done. I felt like the abusive husband, spinelessly apologizing to his wife in those PSA ads for domestic violence. I chalked it up as this being my shitty character flaw and I was fucked.

I lived with these symptoms for decades. I started to eat better but because of my foray in anorexia, I had learned to suppress hunger pains which would cause me to forget to eat. I would drink a lot of coffee which also suppressed my hunger but also accelerated my heart rate which I thought was good because it gave me energy. This energy also came with extreme anxiety that I medicated with weed. Amongst my pothead friends, I gained the ridiculous reputation of being the guy who never gets the munchies. On top of all of this, my erratic behavior was getting worse and worse.

With all the caffeinated anxiety and THC-laced paranoia, there was no way I could maintain a relationship with anyone. I couldn’t deal with dating and the few friends who would put up with me would get sick of my chronic flakiness. Family was always a source of unconditional love but they were struggling with their own problems. Ironically, it wasn’t until I started to pay attention to their health problems that I was able to identity my own.

Everyone in my family has type 2 diabetes. Both my parents struggle with it and my sisters were diagnosed with gestational diabetes after they had kids. In case you don’t know, type 2 diabetes is the one you don’t need to inject insulin for. It’s partly from genetics and mainly from a shitty diet/rough life. The poor man’s disease. Everyone told me that if I didn’t watch out, I would get it. I accepted the inevitability but always assumed it would happen when I’m old and gray. I would get yearly check ups from my doctor and everything seemed fine so I paid no heed.

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As I am typing this an alarm is sounding off on my phone reminding me that it is time to eat. To deal with my disassociation of hunger with hunger pains, I use a small app (3 Hour Diet) on my phone to remind me to eat and drink enough water throughout the day. As stupid as it sounds, it has helped me manage my hypoglycemia. Incidentally, eating every 3 hours is what you are supposed to do to keep your metabolism in check. Doing that and getting the right exercise everyday has helped me become a little less of a psycho which I’m sure the people around me appreciate. In fact, it has allowed me to be around people instead of shutting myself in.

Part of me wishes I (or a medical practitioner) had figured this out a decade ago but I also know dwelling on the past and blaming others is worthless. I’m happy that I was finally able to identify my weaknesses and treat it properly. I’m much more optimistic about life and excited to focus on my career and relationships that were being neglected do to my ailments.

To summarize; Mortal Kombat taught me that knowledge is power and GZA from the Wu-Tang Clan preached that knowledge of self is the ultimate power. These are both Westernized, pop culture versions of ancient Eastern philosophies that I wish more people would take to heart. The struggle of life is never over but it’s important to keep on fighting.

Deconstruct everything around you so you can learn to build a propitious future.

Losing Faith while Praying the Bad Men Away

You may lose me here but I used to have a strong relationship with “God” when I was a kid. My mother was very religious and together we would pray before I went to bed and when I would wake up everyday. The praying wasn’t like in the movies where kids would kneel by their beds and actually talk to god asking for something like writing to Santa. It was more of a mantra that would put me into a meditative state–sort of like a trance. I would do this ritualistic act twice a day and it would put my mind at ease. It would allow me to easily fall into a deep sleep and wake up refreshed in the morning.

I remember I was so good at getting into this meditative state that I believed I could go deep enough into this world that I would never come back. I firmly believed I couldĀ  shut my brain off and die. Not in a scary suicidal sense but in a crazy metaphysical way. I also felt this childhood magic was beneficial to my well being as I was getting good grades and praise for my creativity. I was able to do anything because I could focus on the task at hand with the utmost clarity.

So what happened?

I entered high school and was bullied almost every single day. I would tell my mother about the bullies and her answer was to pray more. I then put it upon myself to wake up at 6 AM on school days and pray for hours to make the bullies stop. It was torture and I was miserable. I wont go into detail but they were picking on me because I was a visible minority. The bullying went on for a year and so did my praying. It wasn’t until the second year when it finally broke me and I lost my faith. I stopped praying and confronted the bullies. I sarcastically would play along with them to the point they would laugh at how ridiculous it was and the situation would diffuse. The evil smoke hole kids found a lot of respect for me. I had won and realized through humour I was accepted into every clique. I was the plainswalker. I then dominated my entire high school from starting as the outcast nerd to becoming the most popular kid.

So what happened?

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I was at my peak and done. Nothing made me happy. I had zero motivation to do anything. My mind was full of so many thoughts, doubts, and worries that I ruined my academic career. I was emotionally tired all the time and stopped showing up to class in my senior year when I was student council president. It was really bad and lead to an avalanche of poor choices.

Now I’m not saying I’ve become some sort of hippy dippy religious freak or anti drugĀ  lamer. I’m just saying balance is important and don’t knock meditation. I understand now what “prayer” is all about and why it worked for me. I hope I can do it again and it’s not too late to regain the power to focus on my dreams and achieve what I set out to do 20 years ago. And I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes, swallow my pride, and do the right thing for myself. I don’t care if I’m an old, bald, white whiskered Billy now. I’m still that kid from 20 years ago full of fire and hope. Something burning inside of me kept me young at heart, kept me from doing anything too stupid that would keep me from being here and typing this out to you. Now let’s stop being cheesy and do something with ourselves.

Say your prayers and go to sleep.

 

Retcon or Interesting Multiverse Possiblities in Film

You know how Hollywood always glosses over things in history? Like if it’s in a multimillion dollar blockbuster film it will be sanitized to not step on anyone’s toes and get the maximum market appeal. I’m drawing blank on some examples at the moment because I’m excited to write down these thoughts: imagine a movie set in the past but void of racism and traditional gender roles. Like what if a social justice warrior was able to rewrite history.

Yeah like maybe a time traveler that goes back to prevent slavery, religious persecution, and patriarchy and how it changed present day. Think about everything slaves and cheap labour built. How long would it take society to build infrastructures without subjugation and war? Would present day be total shit?

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