I keep coming back and apologizing to my non existent audience about my lack of consistency but here we are.

I have a friend and long time fan of my YouTube work that keeps trying to inspire me to get back into content creation. It really made me reflect on why I stopped and here is my current conclusion:

I started off making short form YouTube content in 2007 and incidentally it was the type of low attention span junk food that is popular today. My intentions were always to create polished long form content like TV and Film but due to technological constraints; I created short videos packed with visual and auditory storytelling. The scope was also manageable with what I had–not only tech wise but also talent; my father.

It worked and it was also a big fuck you to the gatekeepers, that I was lead to believe existed due to my college experience studying comedy writing, that were preventing me from creating the high production–long form content I had desired.

As time passed by; everything changed incongruently for me. The format I pioneered in became the dominate–however, I wanted to move on and create the long form higher quality videos of my initial aspiration. It felt like starting over and it still wasn’t the right time for better gear to be available at a prosumer level. I fell into a cult of the technical wasting time learning about equipment instead of honing my storytelling skills with whatever I had at hand. My father and I also got older. We both lost the patience and joy of working together on our fun hobby. At the time, we didn’t realize my father had undiagnosed Parkinson’s disease.

Furthermore, my foray in education was a double-edged sword. I thought going back to school to study film would help me up the ante on the production side, meet potential collaborators, and have access to better resources. This was true in some sense but also lead to less time placed in honing my skills as a visual storytelling–the content I was producing for the school was bad journalism.

The stagnation in creativity contributed to my depression and frustration with a lack focus in my career. Also, a bunch of ill fated relationships added to the road bumps. When I finished school, I began teaching what I learned in school and cobbled together a decent academic career that in the back of my mind would fund my pursuit of my lost creative endeavours.

Then I was given an opportunity to create a documentary idea I had pitched to a coworker a decade ago. The idea was solid and involved my father but like I mentioned early my father and I changed. We weren’t the same as we were 10 years ago nor was our working relationship. Deep down I knew both of us didn’t have our hearts into it but I felt maybe this was my chance to start a directorial career that would give me access to create more of the long form content I always desired.

The experience was a disaster. Partly because of my father and I lack of interest and ultimately due to the timing of the pandemic. What was planned to be a long form documentary turned into a short YouTube video that took 3 years to create. I had hyped all my friends and family into believing this is the one…and it wasn’t.

It left a very bad taste in my mouth. I felt embarrassed and like I let everyone down. It further pushed my father and I apart. I wanted this to be the final project I did with my dad by ending it on a high note….instead it ended with cymbal crash.

I’m typing this as I am taking the train into Toronto to teach an introductory film studies class. I wonder if I will ever have the desire to create again. Will it be film? If it is, I would want to make something long form and take my time to polish it. Will it be a form of writing? Maybe it should start there. All I can say, I’m still batting away the funk of these experiences so that the joy in creating returns. I don’t want to force it because it doesn’t make me happy but I know it’s like getting back into a fitness routine: it sucks at the beginning but then you can’t live without it.

I hope I get there again.