Hey! I’m trying.

I keep coming back and apologizing to my non existent audience about my lack of consistency but here we are.

I have a friend and long time fan of my YouTube work that keeps trying to inspire me to get back into content creation. It really made me reflect on why I stopped and here is my current conclusion:

I started off making short form YouTube content in 2007 and incidentally it was the type of low attention span junk food that is popular today. My intentions were always to create polished long form content like TV and Film but due to technological constraints; I created short videos packed with visual and auditory storytelling. The scope was also manageable with what I had–not only tech wise but also talent; my father.

It worked and it was also a big fuck you to the gatekeepers, that I was lead to believe existed due to my college experience studying comedy writing, that were preventing me from creating the high production–long form content I had desired.

As time passed by; everything changed incongruently for me. The format I pioneered in became the dominate–however, I wanted to move on and create the long form higher quality videos of my initial aspiration. It felt like starting over and it still wasn’t the right time for better gear to be available at a prosumer level. I fell into a cult of the technical wasting time learning about equipment instead of honing my storytelling skills with whatever I had at hand. My father and I also got older. We both lost the patience and joy of working together on our fun hobby. At the time, we didn’t realize my father had undiagnosed Parkinson’s disease.

Furthermore, my foray in education was a double-edged sword. I thought going back to school to study film would help me up the ante on the production side, meet potential collaborators, and have access to better resources. This was true in some sense but also lead to less time placed in honing my skills as a visual storytelling–the content I was producing for the school was bad journalism.

The stagnation in creativity contributed to my depression and frustration with a lack focus in my career. Also, a bunch of ill fated relationships added to the road bumps. When I finished school, I began teaching what I learned in school and cobbled together a decent academic career that in the back of my mind would fund my pursuit of my lost creative endeavours.

Then I was given an opportunity to create a documentary idea I had pitched to a coworker a decade ago. The idea was solid and involved my father but like I mentioned early my father and I changed. We weren’t the same as we were 10 years ago nor was our working relationship. Deep down I knew both of us didn’t have our hearts into it but I felt maybe this was my chance to start a directorial career that would give me access to create more of the long form content I always desired.

The experience was a disaster. Partly because of my father and I lack of interest and ultimately due to the timing of the pandemic. What was planned to be a long form documentary turned into a short YouTube video that took 3 years to create. I had hyped all my friends and family into believing this is the one…and it wasn’t.

It left a very bad taste in my mouth. I felt embarrassed and like I let everyone down. It further pushed my father and I apart. I wanted this to be the final project I did with my dad by ending it on a high note….instead it ended with cymbal crash.

I’m typing this as I am taking the train into Toronto to teach an introductory film studies class. I wonder if I will ever have the desire to create again. Will it be film? If it is, I would want to make something long form and take my time to polish it. Will it be a form of writing? Maybe it should start there. All I can say, I’m still batting away the funk of these experiences so that the joy in creating returns. I don’t want to force it because it doesn’t make me happy but I know it’s like getting back into a fitness routine: it sucks at the beginning but then you can’t live without it.

I hope I get there again.

Summer Book #1

Ok. Amazon delivered my book in mint condition but they cancelled my re-up of Dr. Bronner Pure-Castile Liquid Peppermint Soap. Despite the bummer about the soap–the book is awesome! I crushed through the first two chapters and it was a very good decision. I should start thinking of my fiction pick before I finish it. My goal is to have a book and a video game on the go each month as I’m trying to reignite my love for media. I have 2 movies on deck as well: Furiousa: A Mad Max Saga and The Boy and the Heron.

I swear all these hyperlinks aren’t for SEO purposes and despite using my Amazon Associates link–I’m being dreadfully sarcastic. This is blogging, right? What ultimately became the new failed journalism. I figure I might as well be as meta as possible and write in current coding language of the Internet–marketing.

To be honest, even that assessment is dated. The web right now is all about engagement baiting. I don’t even know what products people are selling when they post sex, violence, and mukbang. I guess you are being indoctrinated into some sort of pseduo-political lifestyle that ultimately is pushing you towards consumption. I dunno. I use ad blockers or just pay for a Premium subscription. Maybe that’s it. We are all mindlessly producing and consuming content for the platform holders to sell us subscriptions for less ads on our ads.

Hence the return to blogging on my personal webspace.

First Summer Book Ordereth

I ordered my first book for the summer and I decided to go with non-fiction. My rationale behind this is choosing something easy and fun to start before adding in more complex fiction. I chose a book I always wanted to read and I’m pretty sure I read an excerpt from back in the day. The book is Masters of Doom: How Two Guys Created an Empire and Transformed Pop Culture by Dave Kushner.

Doom by id Software was the first game that really got me into PC Gaming. I never read much about the development of Doom as I got to read about Quake; id’s polygonal first person shooter which is the reason I clock thousands of hours in Call of Duty today. I love reading these old gaming memoirs and I’m sure I’ll crush through this book quick.

I think the game plan is to alternate non-fiction and fiction books so while reading Masters of Doom–I’ll have some time to think of a fiction book I’d like to read next. I don’t think I would choose a classic and try something more contemporary as a change.

Books

I’m trying to remember how to write. I know I just have to keep up doing it to get the stream of conscious flow back. It’s mainly the loss of long form writing as there is a pressure to write something short and catchy cause no one has an attention span left. I know I don’t. I try to think about long text stuff I read that isn’t a short tweet or meme and I guess it’s a Wikipedia entry. That’s disgraceful.

But maybe that’s just it. To write long form, you need to consume long form. I can’t remember the last book I read front to back. I’m sure everyone went through the phase of trying to read a book off a Kindle or iPad–thinking it was a good idea and then quickly falling off. I find I value digital media less than physical media which could be the old man in me. Then again whatever works works so maybe I should use Amazon to buy a book instead of cheap gym shorts.

Fiction or non-fiction? That is the question. I like reading non-fiction but I would want to write fiction. What’s that all about? I guess the only fiction I want to read are the classics and that would be a good start. I can read pretty fast off a screen so I wonder how long it would take me to crush a book.

Ok. That’s what I’m going to do. Make a list of books I want to read this summer and read them. Pretty lame but it’s probably slightly healthier than playing video games all summer. Let’s just start with 1 book and it can be fiction or non-fiction–I just need to read it. Which book?

I’ll think about it for the rest of the evening and hopefully tomorrow I can start reading.

Dark Mode

Some people it Night Mode. I call it Dark Mode and I use it on all my devices because I’m sensitive to light. I now use an OLED monitor and I heard that too much bright static images can cause burn-in so why not figure out how to implement Dark Mode to this blog to inspire posting again.

The next thing I need to do is update my headshot because I haven’t rocked a beard for some time and I don’t plan on returning to the look anytime soon. This headshot that I use on everything for work I had professionally done. I might attempt to take my own headshot this time.

Anyways, if anyone is reading this please leave a comment and feel free to offer suggestions on what you would like to see here.

Take care.

Fingers

People forget how important their fingers are. My digits are my main source of income next to my voice. I forget this when I chop up vegetables or attempt to work on my car. I have dainty white collar criminal fingers that need to be moisturized and kept in gloves. It’s not joke!

Even small paper cuts in the wrong places can cause havoc to my word count. Right now I have a bandage over one of my finger tips and I can’t use the gestures properly on my trackpad. It’s devastating but I endure.

I can’t imagine losing a finger let alone my hands. How would I play a video game? I’m not using an accessibility controller, I’ll have to give up gaming and watch movies all day and then worry about losing my eyesight.

What dread.

Brain Fire

Some days I hit my limit and my anxiety boils over into anger.

It sucks but I try to contain myself until it passes but shit gets old as the years go by.

Breathing exercises and posture correction is my current go-to distractions when bad feels creep.

It’s tempting to shut down early in the evening in an attempt to fast forward the day or even consuming some mindless media. I guess I’m trying to work back in doing creative things.

I always I want to be doing more but it’s hard enough pushing myself to do something–anything.

This is something. Typing up my daily blog entry. Hopefully it’s enough to ward of the guilt for being sad brains lazy. Deep down it is because I know it’s something, it’s enough, and I love myself–keep going.

Amazon Prime Day

Happy Amazon Prime Day to you and your kin.

It’s all drop shipped crap. The only things worth buying are Amazon branded products cause they can afford the loss and the quality is assured. I started to buy my athletic clothing from Amazon Essentials cause I stopped caring about labels and trying to justify my Prime subscription.

That’s not bad.

The real win today was getting two chores done. I finally recycled the giant Toshiba CRT to make room in the garage to fit my car. Tomorrow I can comfortably restore the headlights covered in shade and that will be another lingering task I want to accomplish this week.

Thus will conclude Amazon Prime Day. I’ll check in tomorrow to report progress.

Driving

How are you supposed to drive? I try to be fast and safe. I go fast to maintain gaps between cars so I’m far away from any variables which are the drivers which makes it safe. Some people cruise at the speed limit and I get that for long hauls and you are tired, in a car with many distractions, and you are trying to stretch the petrol/battery.

Alas, I still gotta go fast and get there. I don’t mean excess the speed limit though. Just fast and efficient.

Parking lots are a lot of energy though. You gotta check all around the car for people or other vehicles. I know modern vehicles have all the sensors and cameras but I like to spin my head around 360 like Beetlejuice. That’s why stretches in the morning are important.

Blogging

I always wanted to look up the history of online journals becoming monetized. How the website counter couldn’t be trusted and third-party code snippets were inserted into your html body to keep track. Banner campaigns and ads popped-up on your favourite writers’ feeds. When Google started Adsense it was a big deal and a lot of people got rich when the databases of most valuable meta-tags by ad dollar were available to everyone.

You would sit there in an afternoon searching which adwords yielded the most banner ad revenue then write mad-libs articles and video content about it. I assume that is what AI is doing now or at least that will close the loop and bring on prosumer singularity. It can also be used for political utility such as multinational colonization but that makes me tired just thinking about it.

I like writing as a meditative artform. I guess we strive for some sort of therapeutic release of catharsis from both production and consumption of media.

It’s honestly pretty fun too.

Creating is fun.