Low Energy

I know this is getting kinda mopey since I got sick but hey–we’re getting back to our LiveJournal roots. I think the positive of getting sick is appreciating health and realizing there were so many things you could be doing when you weren’t sick–why weren’t you doing them? I guess getting sick is like being on drugs, you gain a new perspective from the altered state you are in. I honestly can’t wait until I am feeling better again just to do random shit with my time like go somewhere for no reason whatsoever. 

I got my brakes repaired on my car so I have no excuse but the weather. I also draw parallels with my health to the weather. This winter is shit and I can’t wait until it is spring so I can do things. I know I can technically do things now but the dreary weather makes a great excuse to be mopey. I will keep this momentum going so I can hit spring with a rolling start. Yay!! That’s positive.

What do YOU do?

Incoming negative rant:

Seriously, fuck people. I’m in a bad mood cause I’m sick despite feeling a bit better today. It’s amazing how irritable you can get while being sick. I honestly can’t stand the people around me in public nor the people at work. I have to take a second to cool off after something ticks me off so I understand if it’s legit or not. It’s so much easier to believe people are piles of shit cause generally they are which means chances are high that I’m a pile of shit too. 

I think the difference is–here we go, let me defend myself–that I am an introvert and keep to myself while others fucking look, talk, and cough without taking other people in consideration.

Another thing could be the time of day. For instance, Thursdays I start work late so when I commute I’m on the train with people who have a high probability they don’t work regular jobs or at all. They all look and act like pieces of shit. So this is a clear soci0-economic factor I can use as a metric of shittiness. In this case, it’s my fault I don’t  drive in my car and pay the premium to park my vehicle in exchange for privacy and comfort.

Anyways, typing this shit at least helps me vent instead of getting high blood pressure or  doing and saying something stupid in public. In the end, do something creative to help you cope in a positive way.

Now I’m THAT guy

I’m that guy I hated. The sick person on the train that couldn’t just stay home and prevent all of us from getting sick. That person I saw as weak. Now I’m snivelling into a tissue and looking like a piece of shit.

That’s why you shouldn’t hate anyone or make fun. We always become what we hate at some point in our lives. That’s why we hate it. We see the worst part of ourselves in others. In the occult they call it asshole-projection. No–I made that up.

Some people just look unfortunate too. Like weirdly shaped heads and faces. Honestly, I shouldn’t make fun. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to go through a disfigurement soon.


Getting Sick Sucks

It’s been a while since I got sick. I didn’t get the flu last year which was a first. I think what I currently got is a bad cold. I’m on day 3 but I feel much better. I can’t tell if I got it from emptying out the vacuum and breathing in some hell dust or eating a burrito from some shit store. Either way, I feel my recovery time has gotten faster cause I know to rest and I’m in overall better shape then I used to be.

It sucks cause I lost a blog post from yesterday and I haven’t been to the gym for two days. Oh well. I figure it’s best to rest and recover fast then drag this out the entire week.

Anyways, I’ll cut this post short since I’ll only end up whining when I should be sleeping.

Take care xoxo


People think anime is stupid when in reality a lot of good anime is deceptively profound.  Like any other type of TV show you have to give it a few episodes before you can pass judgement. With anime, you sometimes have to give them half a season to build a world and characters before they blow your mind with an earth shatter twist that makes you question your own reality. I can go through examples but that would be spoiling everything which defeats the point of reaching the ‘Ah-ha!’ moment in a story arc.

I know. This still sounds really stupid but you have to trust me. Shows I watched and liked a lot from last year are: Made in Abyss, ACCA: 13-Territory Inspection, and Land of Lustrous.

If you like watching conspiracy theory videos on YouTube, beautifully drawn cartoons, and softcore porno, you will love anime. Trust me on this.


I gotta get my ass to the gym tonight. It’s a Saturday. I never have anything going on. I usually never do. I used to feel self conscious showing up at the gym on Friday and Saturday nights. Now I enjoy the emptiness.

I used to listen to a lot of rap music to get me pumped. A bit of my motivation was to listen to a new mixtape or album at the gym but now I feel out of love with hip hop. I guess I just grew out of it. The lyrics all seem stupid and the beats are repetitive. It feels like the music is only perpetuating trauma and the shit makes me anxious in a bad way.

I end up listening to anime soundtracks that are an upbeat mix of choral orchestral. I know musical genres are like phases to me. I used to like classical and opera as a kid after my punk phase. I always equated rap music with punk because its raw and rebellious nature. I guess I now long for something more complex and refined. It also makes me feel better.

Cool. Time to get dressed.


I’m standing up while writing this because I want to complete the rings on Apple Watch fitness app. Apparently; according to Apple, I sit on my ass all day. I also like getting those small achievements. I’m addicted to it.

I’m also writing this because I want to make sure I stick to my promise of posting on this blog once a day. I wish there were a built in achievement system in wordpress for this type of lunacy. I’m sure it would help a lot of aspiring writers.

Even my car insurance has an achievement system. They gave me a phone app that monitors my driving and gives me a score after each trip. The whole point is to gauge how well I drive which can potentially earn me 25% off my yearly insurance for being a good boy. However, the little badges with clever flavour text that you unlock with every consistently well driven trip is much more appealing.

Are we all elderly pensions stuck in the casino until we piss ourselves and drop dead. I honestly can’t tell if the gamification of life is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean it is getting me to things that are positive so it can’t be harmful. Can it?

I mean I don’t gamble or play the stock market. I have no harmful vices in my life so this really can’t be that bad. Ok. I’ll stop thinking about it and learn to embrace the meaningless achievements.

Imposter Syndrome

The mind is an amazing thing. It can really play tricks on us. Our perceptional reality is the current reality we are subscribed to and it can change in a jarring manner.

An example of this was when I lost a lot of weight and got into shape. My physical body changed before my mind adapted. I still saw myself as a chubby unattractive high school kid with social issues. I would perceive complements as sarcasm and take them as insults. The inner did not reflect the outer and I realized that the real issue was my low self esteem.

I am a college professor now and I still don’t believe it. I teach classes that I am well prepared for and am respected by my students who are young adults and sometimes my peers. It still hasn’t clicked yet because my inner self hasn’t embraced my current outer self. It isn’t until I have to announce my occupation in certain formal or informal situations do I realize my position. 

That’s bad. That means I need external validation to determine myself worth. I believe this may be a common thing with people and I think it stems from your upbringing.

There are people who are in reverse. They believe they are everything and can do anything. I don’t think that is completely healthy cause it can lead to narcissism but it’s still less self destructive as no self esteem. Obviously, the answer is a balance. Obtain that balance can be a life long journey for most. I think my experience gives me insight on how I teach my classes and if I ever were to raise children, I would nurture their self worth.

Have a good day.

Budgie Dream

I had a fucked up dream. I passed out after dinner. I dreamt there were two oversized budgies on the kitchen table. They seemed a little depressed so I started to make kissy noises at them. They then started to happily make budgie chirps back and then they began to make love like birds do.

I remember thinking that was a good thing until they started to drink water out of their bowl. One fell to the ground and seemed like it was dying. The other fell over in a fruit bowl on the table. I started to freak out and began to blow air on them. They then woke up as I started to awake from the dream.

Happy Valentine’s Day?

I decided to google a dream dictionary to decipher it and from my first search hit I got:

To see a parakeet in your dream suggests that a message is being conveyed to you. Perhaps, a message from your unconscious is being transmitted to your conscious mind.

Ok, budgies are a type of parakeet and this makes sense I guess for a dream.

To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Ok, that was definitely the first half of the dream. That’s positive.

To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are constantly on your mind.

Aw fuck. This sounds like it’s representing my last relationship. At the end of the dream I was trying to save the birds and I believe I did.

That’s pretty crazy and kinda true I guess. If you don’t mind; Internet, I’m going to post my dreams and analysis regularly. I don’t know how often I pass out and have vivid dreams but it’s worth journaling. God bless.


Platforms. Reach. I don’t know, man. What do we trade for reach?

I guess it’s all done for exposure. You can be the best actor in the world but without a good agent–no one will ever know to hire you. The platform takes a cut but they bring the audience. I guess bars and clubs are platforms for comedians.

I probably should practice writing in a private and not post this online. No one will read it unless they are really interested or if I do something else in life and they scour the net looking for dirt. I think the positive is that it keeps my writing in one place, I can access it anytime with any device with a web browser, and it’s kinda fun–not sure why.

Don’t worry. Once I get all this out the posts will start getting funnier and more interesting. It’s just part of the process of getting the lead out. I type these keys while streaming out my conscious until there is less junk in the way of my thoughts. It’s kinda like learning how to meditate. You sit there practicing to relax your brain to let thoughts flow in and out of your mind without restriction. You keep doing it until it’s second nature.

Give me a month.