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With the passing of our beloved freakizoid, Michael Jackson, and the close call recovery of alpha nerd Steve Jobs, comes the rude awakening: we’re running out of eccentric geniuses!

The spice of life for all us consuming, working class elves is the joy, excitement, and intrigue such super human celebrities bring to our lives. Whether it was a dance step, an amazing song, or a cell phone that puts Star Trek’s Tricorder to shame, we rely on such superior beings to enrich our empty existence.

Keep in mind when I say; world, I mean North America. Japan is rife with weirdos constantly making kooky shit but I can’t understand or buy half of the stuff anyways. Nintendo did it’s part by releasing the very Wonka-esque Wii and the father of Mario, Shigeru Miyamoto, does his part to give the company the appropriately creepy, child molesting vibe.

Which brings us back to Jacko, not only was he a musical genius but he took dance moves to a whole different level. That motherfucker invented special shoes to pull off his dance moves. In the smooth criminal music video when they did that crazy forward lean they used wires but when they took the show on tour MJ invented special shoes that clicked into the stage like ski boots. That’s motherfuckin’ badass!!

I’m glad Jobs is still alive. I look forward to every year’s Apple Conference when they announce their latest gimmick. Apple makes electronics sexy enough to throw money at. Honestly, next time that man comes on stage, with his blue jeans and child molesting black turtle neck, we should all toss money at him ’cause he deserves it. I guess that’s what the stockholders do anyways.

So I guess that’s what killed Michael, not the constant pressure since childhood to perform, not the demanding fans or the badgering media, and not the lack of a real human life, but the very fact he was running out of money because ultimately money is the life blood of all these eccentrics. They need money to bring their weird and wonderful ideas to life. That shit itching inside their brains and eating away at their souls wont come into realization for free, you know.

You killed Michael! MJ was working his ass off prepping for the London come back tour. Neverland Ranch desperately needed the 50 milli. Don’t let this happen to any of our other precious Wonkas. Please don’t stop buying their shit and for the love of god don’t stop paying attention them.

We need these extraordinary people to preserve the sense of magic and wonder in our hearts that religion has failed to do…except for the child molesting part.

If you would like to share a story of another living Willy Wonka, please do so in the comments.

Everyone knows Japan for it’s crazy shit -I should know I lived there for 3 years and instigated a lot of it. Anyways, recently Japanese body art has gone to the next level with Saline injections. Specifically, Saline injections moulded on the forehead to resemble BAGELS:

Now I always assumed “Bagel Head” was a derogatory term towards Jews but these dudes have embraced it. I guess it’s cool to be different, specially if you are living on an island with everybody on it looking the exact same. Photo Source

Hell, it’s not like the Japanese go around singing in blackface:

When I was a wee lad in high school I used to make Hip Hop mixtapes, rap, and try to make beats. Now this was late nineties before Garageband and FruityLoops got big. Hell, beat sequences looked like Atari programs and you would need a MIT degree in mathematics to work them.

I would use Cool Edit which turned into Adobe Audition and just sampled bits and pieces from songs and sequence them using some freeware 4-track app. I started to make some decent sounding beats but then got fed up with my lack of real musical talent and ended up giving up and deleting all my music.

Anyways, recently I have been realizing that big time producers barely have any real skill or musical talent either. They’re just creative and have a good ear. I’ve been reading up on one of my favorite producers, Polow Da Don.

Both of my favorite Polow Da Don beats were made using the default, stock, sample sythn sounds that come with programs to demo what they do. That’s fucking insane!

I got that shit in Garageband!! How come I’m not a multi-million dollar producer?! Oh yeah, I’m a lazy quitter who can’t swallow his pride.

Jeez, I mean P. Diddy had to at least pay a lot of money and clear the rights to sample other people’s music. Polow Da Don used a fucking free handmeout from Apple Computers!!

Well whatever that’s just one Polow Da Don track. I mean, it’s not like he’s lazy on all his smash hit singles, right? Aw fuck. Some lame Hungarian rapper exposed THE FUCKING NAS HERO TRACK:

What the fuck, man. I thought you were a genius. I don’t know -you can’t go so hard on these guys. It’s not like kids are bumping this shit off the radio, in their daddy’s car, give a flying fuck how much effort some pot head producer put into his beat. You can still rub up on a chick at the club to it. People like catchy, dumbass shit like Souljah Boy HOOOOOOOO!

It’s just like anything else. Once you know how it’s done it loses it’s magic but then again you want to be able to appreciate the craft when you listen to something. I guess I can appreciate the fact people can hustle their way through without doing hard work.

Cheating is a skill too, right? Yeah? Kinda.




These mash-ups always get me in a good mood and ready to party on the weekend, even though they can be creepy at times. “Have you seen my childhood?”

Our first entry is a mix of Disney’s Alice in Wonderland with one of the Oscar winning Three Six Mafia classic compositions, “Smokin on the Dro.”

Alice’s attitude always gave me the ho vibe. Anyways, let’s get angsty to some raw M.O.P. shit with the timeless anthem, “Ante Up” performed by Sesame Street’s ambiguously gay duo, my boys, Bert & Ernie.

And now the shocker…I pissed my pants in fear after seeing these monstrosities work their magic at Chuckie Cheese. Let’s see these animatronic bastards shuck and jive to Usher’s “Love in This Club.”

Damn, that track was HAWT!!




This is really fucked up. Skip this post.

On Something Awful Forums, forum members have a thrilling activity called Weekend Web, where users dive deep into the dark abyss known as the internet and pull out epic treasures.

The following is a post found on forum called Bug Chasers, where gay men meet up to exchange HIV, AIDS, and other STDs through sex and…good lord!

The Something Awful Forum user, King Lou, was kind enough to record a reading of the post for your listening pleasure.

Now try your best to forget what you just read/heard and pretend this was a joke. People don’t really do this shit, do they? Aw fuck.




The shocker is I thought Canada only exported the natural herbs and spices. How did we get so big in synthetics?

Canada is ‘hub’ for illegal drug shipments

Canada has become a major hub for producing and shipping methamphetamines and ecstasy to markets worldwide, according to a United Nations report released Wednesday.

“Canada, which traditionally consumes a lot of cannabis and produces a lot of cannabis, is also a hub now for methamphetamines and ecstasy, which would likely come as a surprise for Canadians,” said Walter Kemp, a spokesman for the UN’s Office on Drugs and Crime. CBC

32% of our Crystal is going to rich Saudi kids and 27% of our E is going to our fellow tokers in the Netherlands. Free Trade amazes me. Where’s my cut, damnit!?




Holy fuck, Michael Jackson is dead. I know a lot of people have been anticipating to see him on his latest tour. However, Michael Jackson’s upcoming London dates have been cancelled. They were James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11). ZING!

We can’t forget another celebrity died. Charlie’s Angels’ Farrah Fawcett. The story goes when Farrah died earlier today, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children in the world to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson. OH SNAP!

Too soon?

Anyways, the King of Pop will truly be missed and remembered for all his great accomplishments. There really wont be anyone like Michael Jackson again. He sacrificed his life and sanity to entertain us yet we continue to shit on him. Some would say that’s the price you pay for celebrity. However, Michael didn’t choose to be a star. His father, Motown, and we chose him. OMG I AM SUCH A HYPOCRITE!

Thanks for the music, Michael. We’ll be listening forever.




Kids these days…

A TWO-YEAR-OLD boy from the city of Tianjin in China is the world’s youngest smoker.

Well, at least the youngest to admit it.

Except he didn’t admit it, his dad did, after proudly teaching Tong Liangliang how to spark up between tantrums and milky vomits.

Liangliang’s dad said his son was born with a hernia, and being too young for an operation, has taken up smoking to help him deal with the pain.

Now he’s a pack-a-day man. Pack-a-day toddler. And he won’t give up, screaming and throwing himself on the floor if he’s refused a durry.

“The father wasn’t aware how serious the toddler’s habit had become until the child began to increase the number of cigarettes he smoked per day,” news agency CRI said.

The Guinness Book of World Records is unlikely to accept the feat, as it has refused such requests before on the grounds that it “promoted a harmful habit”. news.com.au

What this kid really needs is some better parenting and medicinal marijuana.




I know we’re going through a recession but goddamn…

Cops: Prostitute, Frito-Lay worker agreed on exchange of oral treats

JUNE 24–Meet Lahoma Sue Smith. The Oklahoma woman, 36, copped a plea last week to a prostitution charge for accepting a box of Frito-Lay chips in exchange for oral sex. According to the below Oklahoma City Police Department report, john Faron Jonhson told cops that he informed Smith that he did not have any money, but that she “agreed to give him a ‘blow job’ meaning oral sex, for a box of chips.” Johnson, a Frito-Lay employee, provided Smith with a case of chips he valued at $30. Following her February arrest, Smith, pictured in the mug shot at right, told police that she had a few prior prostitution busts. At her sentencing last week, Smith was ordered to pay a $1142 fine. The Smoking Gun

I would really like to know what flavor chips as I highly doubt factory boxes from Lays come in assorted. Blowing a dude for a box of plain would be a disgrace but it goes to show you…Bitches ain’t shit but ho’s with chips!




Private browsing ain’t new and pretty much every housewife I know is desensitized to Brazilian porno. What is Microsoft and Dean Cain thinking?