The World Needs More Wonkas
July 2nd, 2009With the passing of our beloved freakizoid, Michael Jackson, and the close call recovery of alpha nerd Steve Jobs, comes the rude awakening: we’re running out of eccentric geniuses! 
The spice of life for all us consuming, working class elves is the joy, excitement, and intrigue such super human celebrities bring to our lives. Whether it was a dance step, an amazing song, or a cell phone that puts Star Trek’s Tricorder to shame, we rely on such superior beings to enrich our empty existence.
Keep in mind when I say; world, I mean North America. Japan is rife with weirdos constantly making kooky shit but I can’t understand or buy half of the stuff anyways. Nintendo did it’s part by releasing the very Wonka-esque Wii and the father of Mario, Shigeru Miyamoto, does his part to give the company the appropriately creepy, child molesting vibe.
Which brings us back to Jacko, not only was he a musical genius but he took dance moves to a whole different level. That motherfucker invented special shoes to pull off his dance moves. In the smooth criminal music video when they did that crazy forward lean they used wires but when they took the show on tour MJ invented special shoes that clicked into the stage like ski boots. That’s motherfuckin’ badass!!
I’m glad Jobs is still alive. I look forward to every year’s Apple Conference when they announce their latest gimmick. Apple makes electronics sexy enough to throw money at. Honestly, next time that man comes on stage, with his blue jeans and child molesting black turtle neck, we should all toss money at him ’cause he deserves it. I guess that’s what the stockholders do anyways.
So I guess that’s what killed Michael, not the constant pressure since childhood to perform, not the demanding fans or the badgering media, and not the lack of a real human life, but the very fact he was running out of money because ultimately money is the life blood of all these eccentrics. They need money to bring their weird and wonderful ideas to life. That shit itching inside their brains and eating away at their souls wont come into realization for free, you know.
You killed Michael! MJ was working his ass off prepping for the London come back tour. Neverland Ranch desperately needed the 50 milli. Don’t let this happen to any of our other precious Wonkas. Please don’t stop buying their shit and for the love of god don’t stop paying attention them.
We need these extraordinary people to preserve the sense of magic and wonder in our hearts that religion has failed to do…except for the child molesting part.
If you would like to share a story of another living Willy Wonka, please do so in the comments.






JUNE 24–Meet Lahoma Sue Smith. The Oklahoma woman, 36, copped a plea last week to a prostitution charge for accepting a box of Frito-Lay chips in exchange for oral sex. According to the below Oklahoma City Police Department report, john Faron Jonhson told cops that he informed Smith that he did not have any money, but that she “agreed to give him a ‘blow job’ meaning oral sex, for a box of chips.” Johnson, a Frito-Lay employee, provided Smith with a case of chips he valued at $30. Following her February arrest, Smith, pictured in the mug shot at right, told police that she had a few prior prostitution busts. At her sentencing last week, Smith was ordered to pay a $1142 fine. 